While attending SoFabCon, an amazing blogger conference that taught me how much I was truly lacking, so to say I was motivated is an understatement. I was moved so much that I learned from so many sessions.
One that made an impression on me deeply was the closing keynote speaker, Jasmine Banks. She is a real, genuine person, a blogger and an Arkansan. She was actually an impromptu speaker, but she spoke as if it came naturally and was planned for weeks. She wasn’t trying to impress us, she was sharing her story and inspiring all of us doing so. In the end, I was not only impressed but it touched my heart.
The blogging world is something that has taken me such a long time to truly feel that I understand. Some days I feel things are going awesome, other days I feel that they are falling apart. I realize one of the biggest things that I am missing from my blog is myself. When I started my blog it was for me. I needed something to throw my heart and soul into and I did just that.
Over time I have slowly phased out me to share about toilet paper and shopping. Not that those things are going away, because that is what pays me but in doing that, I seem to have lost my voice so to speak. I have stopped sharing about myself and our journey. Since that is why I started my blog, I know that I need to start sharing more of my story again, starting now!
Jasmine encouraged us to start sharing our #ThisIsMe story. To put ourselves out there, the real person behind the blog and not be worried about receiving criticism or always making others happy. She encouraged us to share our stories, what makes us tick, who we really are down deep. After three full weeks of starting and deleting I would start my #ThisIsMe story by sharing my difficult and painful story of becoming a mother. Be prepared, This is Me opening my heart to share my story and struggles. It is real, it is long, but this is me!
This is Me and My Struggles to Have a Family
Growing up in a large family with four other siblings, I knew I wanted a large family. I was always a second Mother to my younger siblings. I yearned to babysit for friends and was elated that I was paid to watch babies and young children; I would have done it for free. It was my heart’s desire to have children one day.
I received my curse when I was only ten years old and within a short amount of time I learned that it would truly be a curse for me. I was beyond irregular and so ill during those times. My parents wanted to try natural methods to help me, we tried so many things. I was open to almost anything in hopes something would help. Spending two to three days a month vomiting each cycle was so difficult.
By the age of sixteen I was told I had endometriosis and also had very imbalanced hormones. After giving it great thought, I decided I would take the risks that come with hormones so I could have quality life. I thought things were great! I finally felt normal.
Fast Forward to Married Life
In May of 2002 I met a tall, blonde, curly headed guy named Bryan. I wasn’t looking nor was I interested in starting another relationship, having come out of one about six months before that I wasn’t over yet but that didn’t stand in the way. We started dating in July, were engaged at the end of December and were married in March of 2003.
We had goals, we had plans and one day that included having a family. Bryan joked he wanted seven girls! Well, the chance of seven girls coming from this wife wasn’t likely but having been an only child, Bryan also wanted a large family down the road. Little did I know how hard it would be for us to begin our family.
Getting Past Lost
One day at work I started bleeding, not just normal bleeding, even as heavy as I had always been this was so different. I knew something wasn’t right. I later found out I likely suffered a miscarriage. We were not trying to get pregnant, far from it at the time. I wasn’t sure how to deal with it, so I didn’t. I swept it under the rug, went back to work the next day and acted as if nothing happened. I tried to not give it a second thought.
Fast forward over a year later and something very similar happened to me again. My mind automatically went there but I kept thinking how could it be possible? I was very faithful to take my birth control and we were not ready to start our family. But the second time around I couldn’t help but think something must be wrong with me. Again, though I didn’t deal with it. I didn’t process my loss, I just ignored that nothing happened.
Pretending something didn’t happen does not make it go away!
About 18 months later it happened again, but this time something felt different. I was having a yearning to start my family. All I could think about was that I could have a baby in my arms, one to love and hug and kiss, one to call my own. But my arms were empty and my heart hurt. I cried from the heart without tears. It was at that time I started to become depressed.
I never once became angry with God, it wasn’t his fault. But I did become mad, resentful and angry at life. Working with the public I saw so many women having babies that didn’t take care of them, had too many children or just flat out didn’t want them. During the time I would spend working with patients in my field, it was amazing what they would tell you. I would see pregnant women smoking or drinking or even worse, using during their pregnancies without second thought to the baby they were entrusted with because they didn’t want to be pregnant.
It hurt, period. It was a slap in the face.
I was hoping that they could have been wrong. I didn’t ever have a DNC so I tried to convince myself that was the case, they must be wrong, I reasoned. Again, I didn’t really process it. Let me tell you from experience, that is so not the right thing to do. Eventually it all comes crashing down and when it does, it isn’t pretty! Don’t be ashamed to talk to others. Find others in your area or online that have experienced a loss for support.
My brother and his wife were pregnant at the time. It was bittersweet. I was so happy for them but inside my heart hurt for me. When my sister in law went into labor I headed to the hospital with my sister. About 30 minutes before my niece was born I left. I regret leaving to this day because it was selfish but I couldn’t keep myself together.
There are not words to truly explain just how you feel. I was empty, lonely and scared. I had a great relationship, a great husband and one piece was now missing, a child.
After coming to the reality I may not have a child of my own and starting to become okay with that realization, I found out I was pregnant. Clearly birth control was not working for me. But this pregnancy would be different; this pregnancy would bring me my miracle baby. I would truly come to understand “love at first sight” and just how much I had been missing.
I had no idea the roller coaster that lay ahead but the outcome was amazing! Next week I will continue to share my “This is Me” series about the difficulties that came with my pregnancy and delivery that ended with the my miracle baby boy.